A Very Hetero Manhunk List

Posted on November 5, 2010

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A great website I often visit is The Art of Manliness. It sounds cheesy because it often is, but there are a plethora of good articles in there. One of them makes a distinction between two similar words:

  • “manliness”; virtues and values men should strive for such as bravery, honor, and loyalty.

  • Then there’s my idea of “manly”; medium-rare steaks, drinking brews with the buds, punching bears, and The Last of the Mohicans (1992)

1. Daniel Day-Lewis

Everyone who’s seen this film understands that no other film has a better ending fight scene…

During the production of The Last of the Mohicans, Lewis built a canoe, learned to track and skin animals, and perfected the use of a 12-pound flintlock gun, which he took everywhere he went, even to a Christmas dinner.

Then we have his remarkable portrayal as the nefarious nationalist, Bill the Butcher in Gangs of New York (2002).

Hey, have you met Amsterdam? He almost fish-hooked McGloin.

While on set for the production of Gangs of New York, he would talk with a New York accent and sharpen his knives at lunch. Swoon.

2. 007

It’s not hot in here, James, it’s just you

I say exclusively because there was simply some methodology to his attractiveness, and his ulterior role in awakening the secret agent in all pre-pubescent boys, or at least he did for me.

Regardless of how great his poofy hair looked along with his fitted tuxedo and Walther PPK, this same man was in Mama Mia!…

3. Wolverine

Here are some facts from the film X-Men (2000), since it’s my favorite of the three.

  • Gary Sinise was the studio’s preferred option for the role of Wolverine. –That’s right, Lieutenant Dan.

  • Despite being nearly 6 feet tall, James Marsden (Cyclops) had to wear platform shoes so that he would appear taller than Hugh Jackman (6’2″)

  • Jackman got his testicles caught in his harness after a 6 foot jump off the set’s Statue of Liberty–but rest easy friends, those Adamantium jewels withstood the ordeal and would play a crucial role in the next year when Jackman would portray Stanley Jobson, the world’s greatest hacker in the film Swordfish (2001).

You would think Jackman would be a little more careful after such a debacle.

4. Jimmy Kimmel

Kimmel’s from Brooklyn, and he plays the bass clarinet

Now, “manhunk,” although vague in its etymology, can translate a number of ways. I for one, am lazy, and do not wish to delineate the multitudinous definitions one can ascribe to the word “manhunk,” but will instead allow for the subsequent video to voice my sentiment.

Although I felt conflicted as to who would fill the fifth spot on this contrived list, I’ve decided upon

5. Aragorn II

Boromir! Give the Ring to Frodo.

I feel privileged to have grown up with this trilogy. This is my Star Wars.

There’s one particular scene that tickles my knurl, which was so excellently defined by Urban Dictionary user Deez Nuts on Joe Mama’s face–the scene near the end of The Fellowship where Aragorn decides he can handle infinite orcs while the others get a head start.

It starts with this singular shot of Aragorn, measuring up his off-screen foes, and suddenly leads to…

King’s Stance

a mirthful massacre of orcs and plenty more to dish. I love how you can find pretty much any screen shot from this entire trilogy on the internet thanks to prudent fans.

6. Patrick Bateman

I felt lethal, on the verge of frenzy. My nightly bloodlust overflowed into my days and I had to leave the city. My mask of sanity was a victim of impending slippage.

7. FBI Special Agent Frank Lundy

I believe every fan of Showtime’s Dexter remembers when Frank Lundy first walked into Miami Metro Police Department, exuding professionalism, confidence, and raw sex.

Post Morning Sex

That’s right, sex. Looks like lucky Deb’s got some hot boobs resting under her boobs. Before I delve into any other salacious aspect of Lundy’s being, such as his surprisingly toned old-man buttocks, I should say I found his teeth distracting…I don’t remember why in retrospect, maybe they were yellowish, perhaps too many FBI coffees, but I still found him an incredible addition to the ensemble that is the Dexter masterpiece.

Dexter is such a powerful character on his own that I couldn’t help but giggle like an Irish school-girl at the following exchange between him and Lundy, pitting Dexter as the inexperienced one, hiding in the mouth of the lion.

Dexter Morgan:

Hi, you wanted to…

Special Agent Frank Lundy:

Morgan, come in. Can I offer you some tea?

Dexter Morgan:

Uh, no, thank you. I’m…

Dexter Morgan:

[thinking] And he pours it anyway. He’s trying to throw me off balance, show that I don’t have the power to say no to him.

Special Agent Frank Lundy:

How about some sesame crackers to go with that?

Dexter Morgan:

[thinking] So I’ll say yes to everything.

Dexter Morgan:

I’d love some.

Special Agent Frank Lundy:

Oh. Sorry. Guess I ate them all.

Dexter Morgan:

[thinking] Asshole.

8. Gordon Gekko

I am not a destroyer of companies. I am a liberator of them! The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much.

9. Gene Wilder

Gene was born Gerome Silberman in Wisconsin in 1933. His career took off after performing in Mel Brooks’ The Producers in 1968. Wilder was hesitant to accept the part of Willy Wonka in 1973, but accepted the role under one artistic condition:

When I make my first entrance, I’d like to come out of the door carrying a cane and then walk toward the crowd with a limp. After the crowd sees Willy Wonka is a cripple, they all whisper to themselves and then become deathly quiet. As I walk toward them, my cane sinks into one of the cobblestones I’m walking on and stands straight up, by itself…but I keep on walking, until I realize that I no longer have my cane. I start to fall forward, and just before I hit the ground, I do a beautiful forward somersault and bounce back up, to great applause.

When director Mel Stuart asked why, Wilder replied:

…because from that time on, no one will know if I’m lying or telling the truth.

10. Bill Murray

NUFF SAID

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